Monday, March 14, 2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Friday night I hit rock bottom.
Friday morning I went to my 9:30 kickboxing class. I was very proud of myself for making it, because the night before I went out (drinking) and got home late. After the class, I spent way too long looking for the final piece of the 3-part gift for my New York Cares Winter Wishes letter. Then I showered, got dressed, and drove to Westbury for my hair appointment. I was an hour late to the appointment and I had to wait at the salon. I paid for my cut and the receptionist gave me a custom-made chocolate bar with the name of the salon on the wrapper.
That was the only thing I ate the whole day.
I rushed home, wrapped my gift, put on makeup and drove to the LIRR train station. The plan was to take the train into work, drop off the gift, and then make it to the company holiday party.
At Jamaica station, I had the choice of getting off the train and switching to an express train to Penn Station. I hesitated. The doors closed, and I missed that opportunity.
That was my first mistake.
Two men in orange vests walked swiftly down the aisle of the train. Announcements were made that the train was having equipment problems. An hour and a half later, we had switched to another train and made it to Penn Station. I had the thought of quickly getting a slice of pizza to calm my hunger, but I figured I was almost at the party and there would be food there, so I just got straight on the subway.
That was my second mistake.
I got off the E train at 53rd and 5th, and dropped off the gift. Then I got back on the train and spent way too long trying to find the hotel where the party was being held. I bought a Santa hat for the party. I had armpit stains from the stress.
I finally found the party and immediately ordered a drink. I mingled, received compliments for my Santa hat, and drank more. Everywhere I turned I found someone to say something to, and I would leave them to get refills. I started many conversations, and I wonder if I finished any.
At some point I saw that people were lining up for food. My best friend and colleague said she was getting pasta from a different line, and asked if I wanted to get some. I said I didn't want pasta.
That was my third mistake.
Very shortly after that I began to black out. I don't remember leaving the company party, but I remember walking to the after-party. My memory is spotty, but there are flashes of events. Talking to a man dressed in all black. Ordering three sambuca shots. Frantically looking for my wallet. Going into a bathroom stall. Waking up in Long Island, hearing my sister's voice and feeling her hold me by the arm, taking me to the car where my parents were waiting. The next day my pajamas were on backwards.
It was incredibly stupid to drink without eating...at a party...with my coworkers/bosses/future references. I'm so ashamed.
So many questions left unanswered.
What did I do? What did I say?
Who saw me? Who heard me?
What do people think of me now?
I've never wanted a rewind button so badly before.
And what happened to my Santa hat?
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
A good friend recently explained to me that her confidence stemmed from knowing exactly who she is. When she asked what I love to do, I couldn't answer. Because my spirits were low, I felt that I wasn't good at anything, and therefore could not love to do anything. This exercise in self-therapy - identifying what I love to do, and doing it - is my first step towards achieving clarity and peace. It was originally meant to be private, but I believe I can benefit from opening up and sharing.
December 5, 2010: Day One. Task: Figure out what I love to do.
`I love to organize and clean things. I love doing yoga. I love kickboxing. I love getting massages. I love watching slam poetry performances. I love watching great movies. I love making love. I love eating delicious food. I love hiking and being outside. I love spending quality time with my family. I love reading and discussing books. I love to figure out puzzles and people. I love playing House of the Dead. I love to laugh. I love when people talk to me. I love playing with babies and kids. I love learning about Latin America. I love going in a sauna and then taking a shower. I love deep conversations that come effortlessly. I love to feel things deeply, which probably means that I love to cry. I love those rare moments when I think I'm pretty. I love making connections with people and becoming friends. I love tickling. I love kissing. I love hearing serious people laugh. I love finding the perfect gift for someone. I still love to color. I love listening to stories. I love taking Maya into my garden and watching her pick tomatoes and devour them. I love making babies smile at me. I love noticing things few people do.
Next: What I hate to do, but must. What I hate to do, and must stop doing.