Sunday, December 5, 2010

The first step is identifying the problem.

Caught in a bad romance

Ashamed of my lack of confidence.
Ashamed that I care this much what men think.
Ashamed that I have become superficial.
Ashamed that I've abandoned my activism and volunteerism.
(Although I feel they've abandoned and rejected me, too.)
Ashamed that I'm so vulnerable to rejection.

Longing to be tougher, more resilient, less willing to take everything lying down.

Where is my fiery spirit?
When did I become this fragile?

Incomplete

It feels like I'm on the cusp of normalcy, at a crossroads where I can either choose a normal life with semi-respectable hobbies, or an adventurous life that is uncertain, unpredictable, and exhilarating.

But is choice an illusion? My application can either be approved or denied, and that would change my journey. Does that mean someone else is deciding my path? Does thinking that it's out of my hands make me a coward?

As days continue to pass without a single call from the places where I have applied, I feel closer to a life where I continue to live on Long Island, help start a day care, waitress on the weekends, meet a normal guy with similar frustrated ambitions, and marriage baby carriage. We'd make tax-deductible donations and plan "adventurous" vacations.

I could be happy that way. Right?

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